The Vented Truth

This Seems Rather Obvious..... To Me At Least

2005-11-16T03:16:00.000-06:00

I hope this chick burns herself while holding that lightbulb.

I'm driving down the street one day, and I notice a business entitled "Psychic Readings." Close to this sign is another sign that says "Space for Lease." Apparently this business venture went south, and is no longer in business. My question is simple: Shouldn't they have seen this coming? Isn't this the ultimate oxymoron of life? If a business is totally comprised, or even partially comprised of beings who have psychic abilities, shouldn't they have known that they were going to fail? Did they have a "Back to the Future" moment in which they thought they could alter their own destiny? The answer is no. They spent so much time giving out tarot card readings (bullshit), and telling people that true love is around the corner (bullshit), to realize that their own demise was at hand. Do I believe that psychics exist? Sure. I'm psychic. I know that in about 5 minutes, there will be a blog posted. Does that make me a genius? Nope. The fact that I'm a genius makes me a genius. The bottom line is this: don't ever look for advice from a psychic group that uses neon lights for advertising. It's really just a bunch of crack whores who got old and realized they couldn't scare up any more ass. Instead, they tell people exactly what they want to hear, and believe in the back of their minds that they are inspring someone. The same can be said about chinese fortune cookies, horoscopes, and David Blaine.

On a lighter note: Fuck you Miss Cleo.

Homosexual Marriage Means Heterosexual Benefits?

2005-11-09T00:07:00.000-06:00

The only two gay man I hate: For entirely different reasons.

With Proposition 2 in voting booths right now, the debate over homosexual marriage has been a little more talked about lately. For those of you who do not know, if Proposition 2 is passed homosexual marriage will be banned. Some people are all for banning marriage for gay men and women, others are not. I am an “other.” For numerous reasons, I feel that gay marriage is something that is becoming increasingly inevitable in America. With larger and larger numbers of people coming out and admitting to their sexual orientation, it is only a matter of time before these men and women get their voices heard. I, as a heterosexual male, voted against Proposition 2 in an attempt to keep the possibility alive. I am Catholic, and therefore this goes against the beliefs of my faith, but so do a lot of things that I believe, do, and encourage. I’m going to hell; I already know this. My reasons for voting the way I did may surprise you, but let me explain. I voted against Proposition 2 for two very simple reasons. Number 1: I believe that I have no place to tell people what will make them happy in a relationship. I know that when I find a woman that I love, no one will be able to convince me otherwise unless the relationship is detrimental to my mental or physical health. Number 2: I believe I can benefit monetarily from gay marriage.

That’s right. I said I believe I can benefit monetarily from gay marriage being allowed in the United States. How you ask? I will tell you. Upon talking to my friend Kevin, we’ve realized that taxes suck for people who are unmarried in the United States, and are far easier for those who are married. There are numerous tax breaks that married men and women can take advantage of that make that semi warm day in April seem a lot less intimidating. That’s why I’ve decided that if gay marriage is allowed, Kevin and I will con the IRS and get married. It would be as simple as going into the county courthouse, filling out some paperwork, and BAM: I pay less money to the government every year. Furthermore, we’d just cheat on each other, A LOT. It's simply a way to live a permanent bachelor's life, while enjoying monetary married benefits! We wouldn’t even have to live in the same state! I wouldn’t even call it a “marriage.” More like a business merger where both individuals enter into a deal for mutual monetary benefit. Granted there are a few tax bi laws I'd have to navigate through, but that shouldn't be a problem. Now should the time come where either of us find a woman that we want to marry (unlikely), and that wants to marry one of us (even more unlikely), we’d simply get a divorce, then continue receiving tax benefits from our new hetero marriage. Now here’s the question you might ask: “Why can’t you just marry one of your platonic female friends and get the same benefits?” This is also a possibility, but a bad idea overall. This actually happens quite a bit surprisingly. When someone needs to extend their citizenship or something like that, it’s quite common that a man and woman will get married for reasons other than love. The problem is this: When a man and woman enter into a platonic relationship with that title of “marriage” above their head, for some reason, it tends to mess with their minds. Men are dumb, and women have something called “feelings” or something (I don’t know what these “feelings” are or what they do, I just read about it in some magazine about oil, and guns and stuff), and somewhere along the line someone always tends to get hurt. Jealousy ensues, then someone gets sued, and a divorce is issued. If you marry someone of your same sex, that can’t happen! If for some reason it does, and your partner falls in love with you, awkardness begins, you kill them, and collect on the insurance. There would be no affection, no sex, and probably no talking from either party during the marriage. All this would be replaced with drinking beer, playing ping pong, watching sports, and cheating on each other with women. I know I’m not gay, but the government doesn’t. Trust me, this is a good idea.

I did however have a question about the entire idea of gay marriage. If a law passes that allows for same sex marriage, does that effect the common law marriage as well? Suddenly, if two dudes are living together as roommates for a couple of years, are they suddenly Husband and Husband under common law marriage? After all, if they can do that to a man and woman, wouldn’t it be prejudice to not uphold the same laws and practices to two men or two women? Food for thought.

Finally, there’s the other side of this debate. People may oppose same sex marriages for a variety of reasons. The main one that I’ve heard lately is that two people of the same gender coming together taints the sanctity of marriage. It takes away from the sacredness of a Holy Union between a man and a woman. I say we’ve been tainting this Holy Union for years now and no one has cared. If you want to start bringing some honor back to marriage, stop these pop stars from getting married and divorced all within the same hour of the day. Shut down the “Chapel O’ Love” and all the other marriage shops in Vegas where people travel to in a drunken stupor, get married, and can pick up a cheeseburger on the way out. Marriage as a formal and sacred event has become an increasing joke to America over the years. It isn’t marriage itself that’s important, it’s the love that two people have for each other. That’s all that really matters. If two people of differing or same genders wish to proclaim their love, let them. You don’t have to watch them kiss, just look away and pretend that they’re just doing high fives or something.

So go out and vote against Proposition 2. The money you save could be your own.

Let My People Go.....

2005-11-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

He'd totally back me on this.

Affirmative Action is wrong on every level. Before you consider me racist and lynch me, consider the following blog….

I am not racist.

During its original implementation in 1965, Affirmative Action was put into place by President Johnson as a direct way to not only uphold equality in America, but to create a more proactive to correcting the problems that were prevalent during segregation. The idea was simple: Create a system that allowed for previously oppressed minorities that forces institutions such as schools and businesses to incorporate these cultures, and allow them a chance to succeed. The system worked, and was originally thought to be a temporary fix that would be phased out as soon as their was a “level playing field,” however, the system worked too well, and began to give preferential treatment to those who Johnson was originally trying to help.

I am not racist.

The bottom line, Affirmative Action in today’s society is outdated, and does not work. Businesses and educational institutions have begun discriminating against the majority class in an attempt to uphold minority rights. While it is true that in the past jobs were harder to find due to racial discrimination in the past, it’s ignorant to think that this sort of handicap is still necessary in today’s society. Nowadays businesses don’t hire their employees based off of their racial ethnicity. The reason for this? It’s too expensive. For a company to not hire the most qualified applicant simply due to the color of their skin is inefficient and detrimental to everyone else in the company. The same is true when a company CANNOT hire the most qualified applicant due to Affirmative Action quota laws that have been put in place by the US government. These laws force companies to hire a certain percentage of minority employees based off of loose guidelines required for that particular job. This leaves hard working people who are more qualified out to dry, simply because they are a part of the majority white class. Reverse discrimination is a bitch. College institutions have already done away with this practice for the most part, as their quotas have been lightened due to a Supreme Court ruling. Scholarships and research grants are still being affected by Affirmative Action however. These handouts seem like an insult to all those people who have worked hard their entire lives for what they have, but as soon as they ask for a job, it’s given to them almost out of pity. I’d be personally insulted, and numerous black friends of mine feel the same way. If America was prides itself as being a country where any man can put on his working boots, and build a life for himself from the ground up, why is the government deciding that it should be easier for some rather than others? The bottom line is that Affirmative Action creates a negative image for all those who use their quotas to get jobs. Even those who got the jobs due to their qualifications alone will always have those around them wondering if they got their job due to their education alone. It is not a good system. There are literally millions of people who are considered a minority who are far more brilliant than myself, and I would like to think they got their job above me because of this, not because of the color of their skin.

I am not racist.

My question is this: Will there be a time when America looks at whites as part of this minority and begins handing us help? With the Hispanic community popping out babies like it’s going out of style, experts estimate that within 30 years they could become the new majority in the United States. Will Affirmative Action begin to crack down on Hispanic employment at this point? Will I be able to file for discrimination? I just don’t see it happening.

I am not racist.

The idea of a “level playing field” is what all America should strive for. My idea is to incorporate the ideals of a professional sports team. Whether it be the NFL, NBA, or NHL, no professional team creates a roster based off of an affirmative action rule. There is no quota for how many Black, White, Hispanic, or Asian players have to be on each team. Each team creates a roster based off the best possible players that they have to choose from. Professional hockey is notorious for not having a large group of African American players, and everyone’s ok with that. Why? Most black people don’t want to play hockey. The ones that do are fantastic. Hooray. The NFL and NBA is comprised of over 68% African American players, and ALL the other cultures in the world make up the remaining 32%. Anyone care? Nope. Those are the best possible players for the job. Even in the NFL, where on average white players make 10% less money, no one cares. Why? Payment is based off of talent, and other players have proven they deserve the money more, with the exception of Terrell Owens, who is a prick.

I am not racist.

Affirmative Action goes against the very principles that the Civil Rights movement tried to bring to light. It goes against the very words of its leader Martin Luther King Jr. “I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” By giving unfair advantages to anyone due to their skin tone for any reason other than to manage a tanning shop, we are going against the very principles of freedom and equality. If we could only come up with a system where all people are looked at as PEOPLE. Not Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, or anything in between. This system means greater profits for businesses, and greater prosperity in the truest sense of the American way.

I am not racist.

Affirmative Action is bad. Equality is good.

Observations Of a Dumbass World

2005-10-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, people are dumb. That's why it's my job as an educated person to point out all the odd things that I see, and make fun of them accordingly. These are all things that I've noticed, tried to make sense of: but in the end, could not. There is no specific category of stupidity I am looking for, as I have noticed it in all facets of society. Now I will inflict this pain upon you.

Tourists... why?? This is a picture of a man who came into my store from Italy a couple days ago. If you'll notice the plethora of straps that he's incorporated into his wardrobe, then you'll notice that he's the newest wave of the stereotypical tourist. The original tourist incorporated a single strap into their wardrobe to carry their oversized camera so they could take a snapshot of everything that a normal person wouldn't care about. His slide shows went like this: "This is me in front of a rock." "This is me looking at my map." "This is me and some girl I paid to take a picture with me." Nowadays, while the slideshow may be the same trite material, then camera is tucked away in a fabric case that hangs from around his neck and on top of his pasta filled belly. Next we'll notice the matching cell phone case that hangs around his neck as well. I'm guessing this eventualy leads to come neck chaffing. This is quite possibly the dumbest place I can think of to keep a cell phone, second only to around your neck on your back if you'd like to get your stuff stolen. This leads to me the final piece of "Tourist Brilliance." I call it the "Neo Fanny Pack." This is the large thick strap that is draped across this man's chest and leads to the oversized pack in the back. This contains his cash, traveler's checks, passports, and all other things that make his life abroad possible. I guess it would make sense to leave it on your back, out of view, with only a zipper for security. Then they're suprised when stuff gets stolen, and they call all Americans thieves. Dumbass. Tourists suck, just give us your money and go home. There's no need for you to hang around and piss us off with your half ass english.

Drive up ATM machines have gone from dumb to regionally retarded. The idea behind them is to create a convenient way for bank customers to obtain cash from their bank accounts after bank hours. Originally they put braile on these ATM's for the blind, which makes less sense than Scientology. Now these assholes have decided to create a headphone jack on their ATMs for those who are hard of hearing. Apparently there was a huge outcry from the public so that these disabled people could hear the incredibly helpful "Boop" sound that is prevalent during transactions. Am I the only one who hates this sound, combined with the sound at the Pay at the Pump "Boop" at most major gas stations to the point of homicide? Show me one person who uses this headphone jack, and I'll show you one person who needs a good bludgeoning. People are paid decent salaries every year by this bank to come up with ways to improve customer service and make me happier, and this is the crap they come up with. Those who are hard of hearing want to hear beautiful music, poetry, and their families tell them that they love them.... not an annoying "Boop." One year they'll figure out the best way to keep me happy is to fire these brilliant idea men and put their salaries in my account. I hope they get a spoon stuck in their ear and go deaf.

It used to be that when I felt the need for inspiration, or words of encouragement, I would turn to the Church, the Bible, or my friends and family. It was these time honored providers of encouragement that got me through the first 21 years of life, but eventually I had to move on. Luckily, I live next to "Securelock Storage." Everyday I can drive by this Holiest of Storage Facilities and feel enlightened and ready to take on the day ahead. This honestly makes no sense to me. Apparently the marketing arm of this company decided that instead of trying to attract new customers with advertisements promising discounts and specials, they should try and inspire their customers to new levels of joy, happiness, and personal content. I have never seen a single real billboard made by this company. Week after week they take an inspirational message and post it, hoping that enlightened passers by will suddenly want to store their belongings and go in search of God, Allah, the Dhali Llama, and/or Elvis. They'll be out of business within the year once they get depressed enough. Irony's a bitch.

Like I said: People are dumb. This will not be the last of such posts by me as I'm sure the stupidity of the world will never cease. It is my job as one of the few "All Knowing Human Beings" to bring these things to the light of the world. I'm sure one day I'll see a man selling Visine to the blind, or someone buying new windshield wipers or headlights simply because Daylight Savings's Time is coming. When I see such things, you will know. To those who understand why these things hurt my brain: I thank you for your support. To those causing such pain with your painfully low IQ: Have a crappy week, and I hope your house burns down.

Natural Selection = Necessary

2005-10-17T00:34:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time philosophy that the world we live in is inhabited in large part by people who have an accumulated IQ of 43. Due to this overwhelming stupidity, we've created a system of warnings and precautions that would lead even the most dimwitted of people to safety out of their proverbial paper bag. Upon viewing several of these warning signs, I feel the world would be a better place if we just let nature take its course. Here are a few examples:

Lesson to be learned: "Do not run over your children with a tractor." My thoughts: go right ahead. Obviously if this is a serious problem that you are having trouble avoiding, we don't need generations of your dimwitted children running around, plus you probably have a few extras running around as well. I'm surprised your sperm had the ability to find the egg. Dumbass.

This is a ladder. Quite possibly one of the most simple inventions on the face of the planet. Is there really someone out there who looks at a ladder, something that allows you to climb higher than your normal height, and doesn't see the obvious possibility of danger? Is this necessary? Are there people attempting backflip dismounts with a quarter twist? Furthermore, is there really an instruction manual to use a ladder? One page: "Climb up and don't fall, but if you do, fall hard enough to die. It'll be better for everyone."

This warning has the audacity to come on the packaging for a computer. Apparently computers are becoming so user friendly that people who have fears of small plastic bags are using them now. Now I know how fun it looks to place a plastic bag over your head, close off all air holes, and breathe in deeply, but....... wait, what the hell? This is a decently complicated process to be considered an accident. If this ends up happening to someone on accident...... I'll buy them a coke.

"Don't get in fights with bulldozers. They will hit you in the head and kill you." The problem that I'm having with this is simple: I'm guessing this happened to someone at some point, someone else got sued, and they were forced to slap this piece of crap on the side of a bulldozer. I bet this same guy had gotten hit by a few cars when he tried to sit down in the middle of the highway. The world is now a better place.

In all honesty, there really is nothing wrong with this warning. I just think it's hilarious. I mean look at that stick figure. He's hauling ass! My guess is he set the fire and he's getting the hell outta there. "If you are flammable and have legs, you can never be blocking the fire exit."- Mitch Hedburg is a genius.

With the exception of the last one, I believe my case for natural selection instead of cautionary signs has been set. It's obvious that we're quickly becoming the dumbest country on the planet, and I just don't think we need to advertise that to the world when we ship our products abroad. Join me in my campaign for a more intelligent America, one not slowed down by tractor driving retards with kids who lay down on the lawn while it's being mowed. Natural Selection: It's the only selection.

Top Ten Reasons I Hate The New York Yankees

2005-10-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

While this year none of my favorite teams made it very far into the post season, I cannot say that I have not enjoyed watching the playoffs thus far. I have had the distinct pleasure of watching the demise of a baseball club of which I loathe more than anything else on the planet. I thought I would take this time to share my jubilation with you by giving you the top ten reasons I hate the New York Yankees.

Top Ten Reasons I Hate The New York Yankees

10. This year in the playoffs they lost to the team with the single most homosexual name in professional sports; the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. First of all, that name doesn't even make sense considering Los Angeles and Anaheim are two separate cities, and on top of that, it's a name created for fairies. The only nationally known team with a more homosexual name is the collegiate level Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii. Either way, these fairies were still more masculine than the Yankees and hurt them. Good for them.

9. Despite only winning for one third of this season, they still managed to fool people into thinking they were the favorites to win the World Series. This is simply because they've always won. People are so worthless in their thinking that they immediately jump on the "Sure Fire Yankees Bandwagon" the second they win a game or two. This was a deflated team with a few patches that only held their hot air for a short while. Guess what, they lost. You suck.

8. Their big acquisition during the off season was Randy Johnson. They believed this was the kind of experience they needed in their bullpen to win another World Series after they were beaten wonderfully by the Red Sox last year. I tear up every time I think of it. They problem is this: Randy Johnson is old, hurt, and he sucks. Now they lost and they know that. Fantastic.

That's just not right.....

7. Jason Giambi still plays for them. He cheated. This is a man who voluntarily stuck a needle into his ass in order to make himself get bigger. Undoubtedly this isn't the only foreign substance he's had in his ass repeatedly that made him bigger. Steroid users should be banned from baseball, and all sports for that matter. Instead, they've decided to nominate him as an MVP Candidate. I hope he dies.

Before Steriods.......

After Steroids.....

6. Gary Sheffield's abillity to throw a hissy fit like a little girl and have everyone bend over for him. The man was threatened to be traded so that the team could aquire some real players who were willing to sell their soul to Satan and play for this team, but his tactic to avoid such a trade was to play half ass. He promised that if he was traded to any other team, he wouldn't play to his full potential and cause the other teams to lose. Be a fucking man and do your job. Swing the bat. Ass.

Yooouuuu're out!..... of dignity.

5. Flagrant homosexual behavior exuded by the members of the outfield. They've often times been seen on top of each other while trying to share the glory of catching balls with each other.

Stop it.

4. Their most effective closer is the Taco Bell Dog.

I can't tell which is which.

3. The obvious homosexual relationship that has developed between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. These two are madly in love, and it's distracting to the game of baseball. We turn on the tv to watch a good and decent game, but we have to see these two humping each other all night. I hope they both contract numerous diseases.

That's not even close to a "chest bump."

2. This team tries to go out and buy championships, rather than develop teams from within and give younger players a shot. This year alone the New York Yankees spent $205,958,439 on payroll alone. That is more than Kansas City, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Cleveland and Toronto COMBINED. These assholes even paid an additional $30,367,531 in luxury taxes because they went over the salary cap. That's less than $6,000,000 less than all of Kansas City's payroll. Despite all this money they spent, they still lost. Justice is served, now eat shit.

1. They're the fucking Yankees. Enough said.

I'm going to adopt this kid. Awesome.

While my Chicago Cubs may never win the World Series in my lifetime, I am still content because each and every time the Yankees lose, I have a little party in my head. Life is good.

Florida's Doing Something Right

2005-09-23T16:15:00.000-05:00

He's heading there too.

Finally, In my infinite wisdom, I have found a use for the state of Florida. The American government could take a page out of the English history books, and use this place how England used Australia for so many years. They could make Florida the biggest "Old Folks Home" on the planet. No car dealerships are welcome, as all transportation is public in the form of buses, trains or monorails. Walking becomes illegal after 6 pm, and everything turns off at 7 pm for bedtime. Anyone caught violating this law will have their canes immediately stripped from them, further disabling them from walking anywhere for 30 days. They will be subsequently beaten with their own canes, or forced to listen to rap music depending on the severity of the infraction. Also, the selling of anything larger than a twin bed is illegal, and we all know why. The sale of bathing suits or any other form of clothing that shows any kind of body skin is strictly prohibited, and heavily enforced. The punishment for this offense is death. Prune farmers would only have one market to sell to, making their jobs that much easier, while alleviating space in the rest of America’s food markets. Furthermore, pharmaceutical companies would set up their company bases in the states directly adjacent to Florida allowing for a more efficient distribution process. Mass American transit on interstates and residential streets would increase in speed around the rest of the country by 600% (I calculated it), and time saved by the average American could be up to 3 hours per day because they wouldn't have an old person to tell them a story that didn’t make any sense. In addition, American students would be able to retain 40% more knowledge per day due to the lack of aforementioned “old people stories that suck because they make no sense.” This is a win-win situation for all who are involved. They get to go to Florida, and we never have to see them again. By the way, anyone who thinks it’s wrong to imprison old people in Florida can go there with them, and enjoy the smell of Icy-Hot for the rest of their God-given lives.

NO MORE CRUNCHES....EVER!

2005-09-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

If you believe this isn't a crunch, I hope this machine breaks you.

Undoubtedly most of you have seen these commercials for the miracle machine known as the “Ab Lounge,” that promises the most amazing six pack abs anyone could ever dream of without ever doing a single crunch……ever. Instead you get to do a steady set of “Ab Lounge Advanced Jackknife” techniques while you watch some girl with a beer belly on the included video show you how to use this machine in the most obvious ways concieved by man. Honestly, anyone who believes that these techniques aren’t actually crunches is an “Ab Lounge Advanced Jackass.” This is the same demographic that believes that the "3 Second Abs" machine takes three seconds. It's three seconds per repitition dumbass. Add it all up, and it's a fucking long time! It’s these kind of people in America who are the reason we have a 64.5% obesity rate in America. To be fair, I own this machine and it works, but that’s only because I understand to use it in conjunction with a healthy diet, and alternate exercise. This is a concept that a lot of people cannot seem to get on board with. They would rather suspend disbelief on a 30 day miracle diet or workout machine rather than accepting the facts and working towards a six month meal plan and workout schedule. I happen to be in the habit of traveling far beyond the viewing distance of my television into the outside world where I interact and communicate with other people of similar fitness and social goals. It's a radical idea, I know.

64.5% of all American adults are obese. That’s nearly two out of every 3 people need to use the handicap stalls in restrooms because they don’t fit. This hasn’t even considered all the little porkers running around in our schools. These kids look up to those 64.5% of adults and rarely see the 33.5% of healthy kick ass adults. They may see these rare adults and think “Wow, that’s totally awesome and I wish I could look like that, but I think I’ll take the easy road and be like Mrs. Lardass and eat my 5 corndogs and 3 chocolate cakes that I can get for a dollar in the lunch lines. Then I’ll wash it all down with a nice can o’ sugar.” This malnutition is also because of negligent fatass parents who are often times too busy or too lazy to wake up and put together a nutritous well balanced meal for their child’s lunch. If your parents didn’t do this for you, they didn’t love you. Then they wonder why their child’s grades are going to hell, as well as their conduct in the classroom. It would make sense to look at their sugar filled diets as the reason for why they are too hyper to pay attention, then too tired to participate shortly after, but that would lead to changes in the public school system. Non-lucrative changes.

Food distributors who believe in focusing on cramming as many calories as they can into an individual meal for a cheaper price rather than working towards a more nutricious solution make up for over 75% of the public school meal planners. Meanwhile, fatass superintendents keep signing contract extensions with these food companies knowing the consequences and effects it has on children, all while blaming super kick ass movies and video games for the children’s problems. I gain solace from knowing that these men and women will die of “heart” attacks from the very food they made their money with. I put heart in quotations because these people have no heart, and are inherintly Satan. Parents are equally to blame nowadays with the whole “prescribe pills first, parent later” mentality that puts numerous children on ADD or ADHD medication when they don’t need it. Don’t even get me started on these poor excuse for parents who are too scared of being an “uncool parent” to tell their kids “no” when they throw the family cat across the room. So instead they find another person to tell their kids they have problems. I'd like to ADD my foot up their ass. That’s coming soon in an upcoming post.

These kids need role models, and a chance to find another food outlet other than the McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Wendy’s that’s conveniently less than a half mile from their school. They also need a better after school workout than thinking about looking for the remote control. If you let little girls and boys grow up eating only Ho Ho’s and Cupcakes, than that’s exactly what they’ll become in their adult lives. Ho ho’s and Cupcakes. The bottom line to all this: stop being lazy and do yourself and everyone else a favor. Stop dying and start working out. If you start crying about how hard it is, I’ll kick you in the nuts, seriously. If you try to use metabolism boosting substances that are sold on informercials, I’ll come over and force feed you until you are too fat to wear anything but a Moo-moo. Do it right, or I’ll hurt you. If you decide to stay fat, get big enough to where people think you look jolly. People only like fat people if they’re jolly or rich. If you are neither of those, lose weight. By the way, if anyone has tried using ephedra to lose weight since it was banned, and hasn’t died yet, get on that.

The Toll Way Makes Me Vomit

2005-09-19T02:23:00.000-05:00

This honestly makes as much sense to me as the real thing.

Well ladies and gentleman, I am back, and once again, I am frustrated with the general states of stupidity that is running rampant through our society. What’s equally frustrating is the amount of passiveness that the average American has towards their confining surroundings. Certain rules and regulations that we all know not to be right or just, however we leave them be for fear of “stirring the waters,” as they say. I’ve noticed that a large number of my Vented Truths revolve around my growing road rage, and this one is to be no different. Driving has been taking it’s toll on my patience lately, and that’s largely due to a road by an appropriate title. This is of course, the Toll Way. A road built to increase the flow of traffic throughout the city by allowing those who chose to use it an alternate highway at a minimal cost at each designated intersection. Do not get me wrong however, I do hate the entire idea of having to pay money to drive on a road that I initially paid my own tax money to build, but the system is what it is, and I hate it for that. That hatred aside, let us move on with our look at the North Dallas Tollway, and every other tollway in the United States for that matter.

The chief argument I have with the current system is this: I am paying my hard earned money to the city to drive on this highway, which is in every way no better than any other highway, and yet this city has the audacity to threaten to give me a speeding ticket? You are threatening further fines on top of the ridiculous cost I am already paying?? This is the kind of thing that makes me want to injure kittens.

In addition to this already inconcievable notion of speeding tickets, is the horrific speed limit that they propose! Any normal interstate in the United States is between 65 and 70 mph depending on driving conditions, time of day, and amount of traffic flow as calculated yearly by a third party company. Tollways are the only highways that set the majority of their speed limits at 55 mph. 55 mph? I’m sorry, I tend to walk faster than that. On any given street, in any given town, I regularly do AT LEAST 60 mph without giving it a second thought.

My third beef that I have with this genius of a cluster fuck idea is the traffic situation in accordance to on ramps and exit ramps. These bastards charge the population millions of dollars per year, and they can’t seem to figure out how to keep traffic moving at a decent pace. That might be because they believe a decent pace is 55 mph, or it might be because whoever designed these roads deserves to die on them. Recently I had my own experience with the North Dallas Tollway that coincidentally involved all three of these problems.
I was stuck in traffic that was moving no faster than 25 mph, and as a result, I was inventing new curse words every 10 seconds. When I realized that the traffic was due to rubberneckers who wanted to see someone getting a speeding ticket, I nearly pulled my door off my car and beat someone with it. Finally traffic dispersed, and I do what all Americans do when they hit a stretch of open road after being held in the captivity of traffic, I went as fast as I could. As I reached 75 mph I saw the Dallas Police in my rear view mirror with sirens blazing. I pulled over, considered reversing my car into the cop, but then refrained and waited to see what they police officer had to say. The following is our conversation:

Police Officer: Excuse me sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No. Please tell me.
Police Officer: Well sir, the posted speed limit is 55 mph, and you were traveling at 75 mph. I’m going to have to issue you a tick-

This is where I proceeded to punch the cop in the face. He flew back at least 20 feet into oncoming traffic due to the force that my punch travels with. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a 260 lb man fly 20 feet, but trust me, it is amazing. I went and picked him up out of traffic and got hit by a few cars, but I’m tough, so it was cool. When the cop regained conciousness he apologized to me through his blubbering. Furthermore, he paid me 50 dollars for my time and gave me a police escort to wherever I was going, then threw himself in jail because he felt bad for wasting my time. He realized that the system was wrong and made up for it. It’s about damn time our whole city did the same thing. They need to realize that I am always right, and they are always wrong. By the way, any police officer that sets up a speed trap outside of a heavy traffic area lacks personal self confidence and should give up on life.

Scion Sucks. Seriously.

2004-11-28T23:06:00.000-06:00

Three basic shapes. Brilliant....Assholes.

I’ve taken some time lately and noticed quite a few things about our society. One that sticks out profusely in my mind is the utter lack of creativity that remains prevelant among every day people. The amount of people who refuse to be creative on their own and rely on repeating mindless quotes they’ve heard on the latest “Chapelle’s Show” are annoying enough to make me want to kick everyone in the room in the balls, then turn around and do it again just to make sure I’ve made them sterile. Creative blocks don’t stop at common place idiocy, now it’s branched out into what has been arguably the greatest avenue for creative genius for several decades. This worldwide dumbing down has begun taking hold of the automobile industry in the form of the new Scion line. These assholes have decided instead of the sleak lines, aerodynamic curves, and dramatic body characteristics, they were going to take notes from a 5 year old. They modeled their cars after three of the most basic shapes on the planet: The right triangle, the Square, and an Oval. What’s even more awful than this, is that they look like shit. I mean damnit, look at them. Are they fuel efficient? Maybe. Affordable? Possibly. Worthless? Definitely. Bottom line, they suck. This is the perfect of example of when a major car company like Toyota decides to give their retarded brainchild a chance to make it on their own, then doesn’t check on it before they released it. The title of a car should also be creative and bring with it a personality that the owner could relate to. Mustang, Expedition, 911 Turbo, Towncar: All These titles bring with it a feeling of what the car is like. Scion took a slightly different approach. They have three cars: A, B, and C. This was taken after their first choice of 1, 2, or 3 was taken by Playskool’s line of toddler toys. They figured letters are far more creative and sexy than numbers anyway. Obviously. I guess all we can do is wait for the next edition to the Scion family, what will undoubtedly be known as D. It makes me want to hurl. By the way, Playskool was offended to be included in any way with a story on Toyota's Scion and threatened me with legal action if I did not change my page. I then pushed down Playskool's 3 year old representative they sent to my door, took his ice cream and called him a doody-head. No further actions have been taken by Playskool. I love how easy little kids are to beat up.

Nice People Suck

2004-11-16T16:42:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the help. Here's your complimentary punch in the face!

I was driving home the other day after my soccer game in which my team of uncompromised talent desimated the lowly opponent to which we were paired, and I came into contact with the most annoying woman I’d seen in a while. My brother and I had pulled up to a stoplight and this woman pulls up behind me and decides it is her mission in life to inform me that my rear driver’s side tire was somewhat low. This is a fact that I was already aware of, and had already planned on fixing in the near future. She pulled up behind me and does the second most annoying thing someone can do while driving a vehicle: she began honking incesantly at me. Initially this action provoked only annoyance by me because I did not know what dumbass was laying on their horn, only to find out it was the woman behind me honking at me to help my life threatening low tire. I turned around, looked directly at her, and she began spastically pointing to the tire that I knew was low. I smiled, gave her the common-place thank you wave to acknowledge her efforts, and continued on. A bit annoyed, I continued but was not really bothered by this occurrence. What happened next floored me. I pulled up to the next red light that I know was strategically put there to slow me down by “The Man”, and the honking began again. Again this woman was doing the one thing second only to rubbernecking on my list of things that qualify you for death by paper cuts. A second time she is trying to flag me down and tell me about my tire, after I had already acknowledged her elementary attempt to warn me. Once again I turned around, looked at her square in her lazy eyes, and assured her I understood her plight, and gave her a reassuring thumbs up. The light turned green and I drove very fast, as I am accustomed to do. Then it happened. She did it again. That bitch did it again. I was dumbfounded. Apparently this woman prides herself on her power to observe the obvious, and feels it is her job to protect the world from floppy rubber similar to the kind she is accustomed to in the bedroom. Honking her horn more than ever, she began poking her head out of her window yelling at me about my tire. Finally my infinite patience had been tested and I could no longer be the kind individual you, my readers, have grown accustomed to. I rolled down a window of my own, extended my left hand, and gave her the finger. I then waved it around and began honking my horn for the full effect. This way everyone knows who I was giving the finger to and how much I hated her. She then drove off and I pictured her crying without any hope of stopping. This made me smile. I later fixed the tire at my leizure and slashed the tires of every mini van in a 10 mile radius. I figured this was only fair due to the pains inflicted on me by this horrible person. The moral of this story, don’t ever do anything nice for anyone, it’s just annoying. By the way, the woman in the car later got in a wreck because she was too busy looking for homeless children to adopt to watch the road.

I'd Poke Him In The Eyes, But His Glasses Are In The Way

2004-11-15T18:05:00.001-06:00

I see things like this and I want to make people cry.

Recently I was attempting to update my blog site, (AKA: your favorite site in the world) and I was having considerable trouble performing the tasks that I had routinely performed in the past. I could not edit my latest masterpiece of truth, make my blog even more attractive than it already is, or even add new and exciting articles that would broaden the world’s perspective. It was at this time that I noticed something: programmers are getting annoyingly arrogant in their error messages. They used to simply tell us there was an error, and then we were supposed to slap the monitor upside the glass like our retarded cousin, refresh the page and hope it would fix the problem. If that didn’t work most would get mad at the compluter and ignore it until it came to its senses and it realized it needed you. It wasn’t until the other day that I actually wanted to put my size ten boot up a programmer’s ass, fat end first. This five foot two prick; who is currently sitting in his cubicle popping his zits and jerking off to his fantasy that he’s “The One” in the REAL Matrix; has the nerve to allude to the idea that this error is in any way, shape or form MY fault. The error message told me not only what I already knew, (that my shit didn’t work because he sucks), but he wanted me to email him to tell me what went wrong, and what I had done to cause this problem. What I had done?? Are you serious? I proceded to email this bastard to tell him how much smarter I am than him when I received a second similar error message. Foiled initially, I continued on my quest to make this little prick cry. I proceeded to slap the computer upside the monitor, refreshed the page and walked away for a while. My unrivaled genius fixed the problem which was obviously Neo Nerd’s fault, I wrote him a very assertive email, coughed and sneezed on the computer screen, then sent him the virus. One day he’ll realize that typing is not the only reason he has carpal tunnel. By the way, Neo Nerd still wishes Trinity would’ve been a man.

One Very Small Victory

2004-11-03T20:23:00.000-06:00

Five Star Notebook = Five Sided Pentagram
Coincidence? I think not.

If ever there has been a nuisance in my life it’s the “idea” that I have to go to class. Lately I’ve found a way to get around said problem. I began my semester “attending” class and focusing the majority of my attention on remaining conscious while my professors rambled on about variables, supply side economics, or the distance of the Earth to the Sun in astronomical units. I had classes that basically taught me that I don't even know how to stare into space correctly. Naturally I had been contemplating suicide at 7am on the first day of class as any self respecting college student with a 7am class would be. 7am classes were devised by Satan, enforced by Satan, and for the most part ARE Satan. That’s why I don’t go. Now a days I’ve created a system where my professors tell me not to come to class if I’m going to sleep in them. I simply show up to the class for my tests, and I’m set. My favorite part of my systems is the look on the faces of the rest of students who actually go to class. Some have a look of confusion, others contempt. This makes me smile. Today it got even better because I don’t even have to show up to those classes for tests anymore because my douche bag professors decided that they were too good to pass out tests and wait for their students to take them. These assholes actually place the tests in a “Testing Center” where pimply faced students working part time hand me tests and tell me through a cracked voice where to sit so they can video tape me and try and keep me from cheating. HA! Anyways, the moral of the story is that class sucks and I am awesome. By the way, anyone who doesn’t think I’m awesome deserves to be propositioned for sex by Bill O’ Reilly.

It's Over And I Don't Feel Any Better

2004-11-03T15:15:00.000-06:00

The Faces of President Bush: The picture of decisiveness.

Well, another election year has come and gone and the only real difference this year was the fact that the Democrats decided to show an element of class when they had been defeated. Instead of turning Ohio into 2004’s Florida, John Kerry grudgingly conceded victory to the Republican George Bush. This was done shortly after the democrats told their constituents that they would not concede until every EVERY vote was accounted for. This falls in line perfectly with the Democratic platform of changing their ideas and statements once every 15 seconds. It kept their campaign “fresh” and “exciting.” I can’t honestly say that I believe there was a good choice to vote for this election year, but I guess somebody had to win, and communist leaders are hard to come by. We now are looking into another four years with President George W. Bush after one of the closest elections to date. According to the voting poles, close to half the country hates you now George, so good luck with that! By the way, I think John Kerry is a robot.

Lose Weight Or Die

2004-11-02T22:11:00.000-06:00

I Love Bread.

Dr. Atkins: or as I like to call him, Dr. Kevorkian. Never before has there been a diet that has swept the nation with enough force for me to call it an actual epidemic. The Atkins diet has been marketed as one of the most powerful and effective diet plans to date, causing most food companies to begin creating or marketing their own foods as “Low Carb.” Consumers rush to the markets and refuse to buy anything without the “Atkins Approved” badge placed across the wrapper. Little do they know that this is actually a badge of poor health and eventually death. Every time I see such a badge of death I make sure to eat an entire loaf of bread as quickly as possible to spite it. This doesn’t surprise me much. For years people have been finding out that so called “Miracle Diets” and diet pills have done nothing but hurt the bodies they were trying to improve. As far as I’m concerned, you lazy ass bastard’s deserve it. The only true way to lose weight and improve yourself is through healthy diet and exercise. Your body NEEDS carbohydrates. That’s why we’ve been eating them for so many years. The Atkins Diet was created out of exactly the kind of crap that caused Jurassic Park 2 and 3. Profit sucking bastards. Short term research has shown that the Atkins diet is extremely effective in weight loss. Several extremely obese individuals have shown significant progress losing weight. This is the kind of crap that was published about the Atkin diet and because people WANT it to work, they ate it up. What they didn’t tell you is that you’re not losing significant amounts of fat, but instead you’re losing muscle! Your weak body will go perfect with your weak mind that let you try the diet. The research that wasn’t published was the long term effects of such a diet. There are problems that occur with the kidneys and liver which later lead to heart strain. Not to mention the fact that using this bullshit diet causes a dangerously low intake of fiber, causing strain on your digestive systems. Most importantly, your BRAIN needs carbohydrates. You hear that?? Your brain dumbass. Miracle diets don’t work. If you’ve tried them and failed, you deserve to fail. If you’re not willing to manage what you eat, exercise, and work hard for the body you want, you don’t deserve it. You deserve to be fat. Period. Hard work and exercise are the greatest thing to happen to dieting since sliced bread. By the way, Dr. Atkins is dead for a reason.

Come Back Old Friend

2004-11-02T21:05:00.000-06:00

They Took My Reason For Living

Let’s take a minute to analyze an organization that has made me angry enough to spit. Spit even more than I already do I mean. This group is the NHL. Normally I would worship these three letters and all that they stand for, however the unholy business side of this wonderful organization had to go and mess with everything that I love. These bastards had to go and worship “profit” over how much I love this sport. Apparently, several teams within the United States were having trouble bringing in profits every year and several teams were actually losing money per games played. Oops. The problem being discrussed at the moment by the Player’s Association and the NHL is the problem of payroll. Obviously professional hockey players want to be paid as much if not more than other professional athletes because that is what they deserve. During the course of an 82 game season these athletes endure more pain and physical exertion than any other professional athlete. The amount of pain, injury, power, and finesse it takes to play the game is unequaled by any sport ever. I would like to attribute this loss of revenue in this wonderfully barbaric sport to one single problem. Canada. That’s right, the country to which hockey calls home has single handedly ruined the marketability for the game. Any country that uses a dried up blue leaf as a symbol of power and unity does not deserve to be the home of the greatest game on Earth. Their cold weather, delicately dressed police, and absence of a military can lead most to believe that everything about their country is without balls. This is very true. However, with all things in life, there is an exception to every rule, and hockey is such an example. So next time you want to go see a sporting event, choose the one that has twice as much hitting as a football game, with less stops in the action, and half as many pads. It's pretty cool when they bleed alot too. By the way, I think the board working on the Collective Bargaining Agreement is comprised of homosexual figure skaters.

What The Hell Are You Looking At?

2004-10-17T03:35:00.000-05:00

If you like this picture, I hate you.

Have you ever thought to yourself that you should have the ability to take the life of another individual on the basis that their lives are detrimental to the lives of everyone else? I have, a lot. These thoughts became the basis for my entire line of thinking this morning because of the work of a single classification of people. A group of people called “Rubberneckers.” The dictionary definition for such a person according to Hyperdictionary.com is “a person who stares inquisitively.” A more appropriate definition that I found in Mattster’s dictionary is “a mentally deficient human being who lacks the appropriate will power to mind their own damn business.” The common sense that is lacking in these people is enough to throw someone with such an enormous intellect such as myself into nice foamy seizure; an affliction I’ve wished on such people time and time again. Let’s run though the first couple hours of one of these schmuck’s lives.

Hour 1: Wake up at 5:30am and roll over and look at your spouse who hasn’t let you touch her in 8 years. Roll slowly out of bed (not because you’ll be late for work, but rather so you won’t wet yourself because of an overactive bladder) and head to the bathroom. Proceed to use the bathroom until Hour 2.

Hour 2: Shower for 15 minutes. 12 of which is used rubbing your bald spot with shampoo in denial. At this point in your life using soap is useless because no matter what you do you still smell like a week old pair of boxers. Drink a full case of beer while cursing Alcoholics Anonymous, claiming that they’re all full of shit and you can quit at any time. Your cat is the only one who hears this, and even she wants to scratch your eyes out.

Hour 3: Get in your car and head to work. Take as many major freeways as possible and keep your eyes peeled for wrecks on the side of the road, or if possible, someone getting stopped by the cops. Even if your wife can’t satisfy you, seeing someone else’s life become worse than yours momentarily sure can hit the spot. Finally, you see someone getting a routine traffic ticket, so you quickly reduce your speed from 70mph to 15mph so that you can take it all the way in, and disregard the safety and well being of every motorist around you.

This is the essence of a rubbernecker. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve nearly wrecked my car because someone has decided to “check out” a wreck that probably ruined someone else’s life.

These rubberneckers are the lowest substance on earth. They feed off the pain of other people, and enjoy morbidly the worst moments the rest of us feel. It is my belief that the police should have authority to open fire upon all vehicles with motorists who have slowed the pace of traffic due to their morbid curiosity. If you are reading this, and you happen to be one of these people, do us all a favor and kill yourself now. Please do it inside your own home and out try not to make it too messy. Thank for your time. By the way, I hate you.

Drinking And Driving Just Got Alot More Complicated

2004-10-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

Warning: Contents May Contain Alcohol

I woke up this morning and began to watch my morning fill of CNN and heard a story that all college students are already aware of. Dr. Mike Gupta and friends decided to inform us all of the changing alcohol percentages in the different types of beers. This breaking news story informed the public who happened to be up at 7:30am (which I can gurantee you are not the beer drinking public; they're usually awake around 11am and over the toilet until noon) that Ice beers or malt beverags now contain over 5.2% alcohol content. This is a change over a regular beer which averages between 4.5% and 4.9%. The story also informed us that low carb and lite beers contain less alcohol on average per beer than these Ice or malt beverages. The fact that this story made CNN's morning show further proves the fact that competition like Fox News Channel and MSN News have really hurt CNN's credibility. Any self respecting beer drinker (especially college students) knows the difference in alcohol content not only in the different kinds of beers, but in the brands of beer as well. As a community beer drinkers are on average very, very poor. We cannot always afford the wonderful taste of a slow brewed Sam Adams, but instead will settle for a 12 pack of Keystone Ice. The idea: if we get drunk fast enough, we can no longer taste how cheap we are. The uselessness of this story being aired on CNN dumbfounds me, but not as much as how they closed the story. Dr. Gupta closed the story saying "Today's beers can now have alot more alcohol than they used to, so if you're going to be drinking and driving, you should be sure to watch out for that and gauge yourself." This man is evidence that it is possible to cheat your way through med school. His quote basically says to me "Go ahead and drink and drive, but watch out, because beer has alcohol in it." Thanks Doctor Dumbass for that in depth look at alcohol and its effects on driving. We've spent years trying to discourage ALL drinking and driving, but this ass clown has decided to tell millions of kids who are getting ready for elementary school drunk driving is ok as long as long as you can handle it. I've now decided to place the 17,419 drunk driving deaths per year solely in your hands. Enjoy. By the way, I think Dr. Gupta is an alcoholic jackass.

Philosophy is Stupid

2004-10-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

So a long time ago in Ancient times a bunch of slackers decided that the only thing they could do that was worth their time was to look around and make everyone second guess their own lifestyles and beliefs. Socrates figured out the most ingenius way to fake intelligence was to run around town asking everyone "Why?" five hundred times like a 5 year old little girl making everyone think they were coming to their own conclusions on life. What's even funnier than that to me is that he never really came up with any real answers to anything. He would run around town asking people questions but would secretly be getting off to the fact that he really didn't know anything and people thought he was brilliant. The man never answered a single damn question. Even when the man was on trial for corrupting the youth of the day and becoming a Godless man, the best defense he could come up with was "I know you are, but what am I?" Now a days, I'm stuck in a classroom with a closed minded schmuck of a professor staring at old translations of this guy's life. It begins with a single word like anything I've read, but I've never had to focus on that single word for an hour and fifteen minutes before like I have in this class. My teacher literally stops after every word spoken to discuss what it might mean. Then he gets a stupid grin on his face after the discussion and tells us "Well there is no definitive answer, so you have to figure out what it means for yourself." This wouldn't bother me as much if the man didn't tell some of the students they were flat wrong when they offered a possible answer. This basically confirming my suspicions that my professor has the intelligence of a flaming bag of dog poo. We think way too long and way too hard about these philosophers of the past and their half ass ideas with no conclusions. It's a different day, a different age and I say we focus on the personal truth of our own lives, instead of the universal truth human kind. I've got enough to think about in my own life before I can think about the problems of all mankind. My philosophy on philosophy: Philosophy Blows. If you're going to think that hard about something, make yourself useful and go cure something. By the way, I think Socrates was gay.